SEC Fans guide to Aggies & Mizzou

2012 brings new blood with the same DNA as Texas A&M and Missouri join the SEC on the field for the first time this fall. If there were ever two teams that were a perfect fit personality wise for a conference, it would be the Aggies and the Tigers. No Big XII schools had a more over inflated sense of self-worth than these two, and with the SEC’s love of celebrating everyone else’s success, there will be more idiots to bang the S-E-C! S-E-C! S-E-C! drum.

Anytime an SEC school does anything of note, you hear that ridiculous chant. Really? Alabama wins a National Championship and people in Gainesville, Knoxville, and Lexington are proud of their conference? Really?! Do you get excited when your brother gets the hot chick that dissed you? Well SEC fans, be glad you have added these two, because now you have two new cheerleaders to support this effort, because they aren’t winning anything anytime soon.

First let’s start with Missouri. The Tigers, coached by Gary Pinkel, have continually sputtered towards mediocrity every season under his watch. A modest 84-54 record in 11 seasons with four bowl wins is something to be proud of, but nowhere near the elite status Tigers fans put themselves in. Mizzou fancies themselves as a pristine and well respected university, which is true, they have the best school in a 2.5 hour radius, but that’s like winning a gold medal at the special Olympics. Pinkel is like an Adam Sandler film, every time another one comes out you really want it to be special, and then you get crap. Pinkel also got a DUI not too long ago, which if you had to live in the middle of Missouri, you would drink too.

The best players they put into the NFL in the last 40 years? Kellen Winslow, an absolute stud and Hall of Fame tight end. Next is a tossup between Jeremy Maclin and Brad Smith… and that’s it.

Traditions? Missouri claims they invented Homecoming.

According to the Tigers website this tradition got its start in 1911 by Chester Brewer, Director of Athletics. That year the annual Missouri-Kansas game was to be played on a college campus for the first time. To cheer the Tigers on, Brewer issued a plea to all Mizzou alumni to “come home” for the big game. They did, with more than 9,000 packing Rollins field. Missouri was the first school to bring football and “coming home” together, hence the tradition of Homecoming was born.

Getting hammered and trying to sex up the Homecoming Queen had to be invented by someone in the SEC.

Best thing about Missouri? The Tigers uniforms, logo, The Golden Girls dance team and the M-I-Z Z-O-U chant.

Worst thing about Missouri? Another Tigers team in the league, another “Tiger Walk”, Farout Field, and getting to campus. Fly to St. Louis, or Kansas City, you have a two hour drive added onto it, driving is a bit easier given its proximity to the I-70.

Notable Alumni: Sam Walton (Wal-Mart) and Sheryl Crow. You are welcome America.

Why they won’t win anytime soon? In the Big XII they were a middle tier team year in and year out behind Nebraska, Oklahoma, and Texas. Like moving to the SEC is going to be better? LSU, Alabama, Florida, and Auburn have each won national titles in the past decade, and Mizzou is dumb enough to think they can break into that category.

Texas A&M though is a whole other bag of chips. While it is the 6^th largest university in the country, they trail only Notre Dame and Harvard in ego. A&M acts like they invented football, and doesn’t have a damn thing to show for it. An incredible university made up of some of the most insane  entities ever. It’s Corps of Cadets is the largest uniformed student body not named Air Force, Navy, or Army. Upon graduation thru it’s ROTC programs many earn commissioned positions in the US Armed Forces, but until then, let’s face it, you are playing dress up. Former Texas Tech head coach Mike Leach perfectly stated what many in Big XII country felt telling the New York Times in 2006 “As his team raced onto the field, he gazed into the stands filled with screaming fans and wondered about the several thousand “cadets” from Texas A.&M. clustered in one end zone. They wear military uniforms and buzz cuts, holler in unison and stand at attention the entire game. “How come they get to pretend they are soldiers?” he asked. “The thing is, they aren’t actually in the military. I ought to have Mike’s Pirate School. The freshmen, all they get is the bandanna. When you’re a senior, you get the sword and skull and crossbones. For homework, we’ll work pirate maneuvers and stuff like that.””

God Bless Mike Leach.

Kevin Sumlin takes over the helm of the Aggies who last year gave away more games than Hasbro. Sumlin’s high powered offenses at Oklahoma and Houston will be an interesting transition into the defense happy SEC, if he can recruit talent to College Station, they will be fine. Off the field though, Aggies are gonna Aggie.

I’ll just come out and say it, Texas A&M is a cult. While the school no longer requires military training for it’s students, the school’s history has instilled in students “the idealized elements of a small-town life: community, tradition, loyalty, optimism, and unabashed sentimentality.” So did David Koresh.

Aggie Rings, the cadet uniforms, the buzzcuts, and the adoration of Reveille, the official mascot of A&M.

All. Cult. Behavior.

Upon the death of Reveille (there have been seven previous ones, all female), the bitches are buried in a special cemetery located outside the football stadium facing the south endzone scoreboard so she can see the score.

The best players they put into the NFL in the last 40 years? Von Miller, Melvin Bullitt, Ty Warren, and Shane Lechler… yes, a freaking Punter.

Traditions? Plenty, some that are cool, some are just pathetic.

The 12^th man is LEGIT. Kyle Field sways when the fans get going and noise on top of noise on top of noise. Having experienced this in the pressbox, feelings of an earthquake in the nosebleed seats is life altering. The symbolism of the Aggies readiness, desire, and enthusiasm of the entire student body to join their team on the field gives a great home field advantage, all the way down to the walk-on who gets picked to wear the number 12 and be on the kickoff team is pretty cool.

The band is the best there is, and Yell Practice is a cool experience.

The lack of the Aggie Bonfire after the tragedy in 1999 and the fact that A&M DOES NOT HAVE CHEERLEADERS is very lame.

Best thing about A&M? They HATE Texas

Worst thing about A&M? Yell Leaders. Really? Real football fans don’t need to be told when to yell.

Notable Alumni: Texas Governor Rick Perry, Lyle Lovett, and Rip Torn. You cannot make this stuff up.

Why they won’t win anytime soon? Recruiting. Even though Texas has been brutal at developing talent post 2005, kids that want to stay in-state STILL want to go to Texas instead of A&M. Oklahoma and LSU have plucked talent out of the state for decades and the move to the SEC is not going to make it any better.

Plus A&M has always had the “Little Brother Syndrome”. Being Texas’ bitch for the better part of a century will do that. So much so that the Aggies took their ball and went to another conference to get out from under the Longhorns shadows. The SEC isn’t going to be any better. A&M is cursed, Aggies haven’t won the conference since 1998, have won just two bowl games, and have had only one ten win season since 1993.

Sumlin may be able to change the tide of things in College Station, but they will still always be fake soldiers, uh, I mean Aggies.