Gather round boys and take a knee. Sorry, I been gone a while. Ol’ Billy Clyde’s been coaching up this suckass team here in Texas. And I don’t mind tellin ya’, we’d be lucky to win 8 games this season. Seriously, none of these jobbers can block out their granny.
Meh, matters not, boys. I got paid. Thanks, Kentucky.
What does matter is me coaching you to success in life.
No, not with marriages, kids, winning championships, or any of that crap. I’m talking about real life lessons. Like how to hook it up with hot women.
Lissen here, Halloween is upon us. Which is the GREATEST holiday because its the easiest to get laid. And you really don’t got to spend no money either! Women try to out-whore each other in their costumes all on their own!
What you need to learn is how to throw a great Halloween bash.
1) Make sure the ONLY rule is everyone MUST wear a costume. You have bros of yours that are, “too cool” to get dressed up. Well, guess what? They ain’t allowed through the door. They can take their cool self on down to the next Halloween party where its horribly lame. When people get dressed up, they lose their inhibitions and anything goes. MOST IMPORTANTLY, if the women-folk see the men dressed up, they feel even more at ease. Which makes it easier to get into their panties.
2) Jello-shots. Back in Texas, we got us a few rules. One is you have to start drinking at age 12. Another is you need to make a good jello-shot. Jello-shots are the most fun way to get a woman hammered in a hustle…and they taste delicious. My secret is to add 2/3 more vodka than the recipe requires. And use extremely colorful jello colors so you can spot the drunkest hot babe when she stains her costume after she misses her mouth. Easy pickins.
3) Karaoke. True fact: women love to get drunk and sing. It’ll be horrible and they won’t remember the words…but you’ll get groups of them lining up to scream into a mic. Which is getting them ready to scream into YOUR mic. Heh heh.
4) Black lights / candles / dark corners all over the house. Hotties love to slut it up in tight clothes and feel most comfy when there is dim lighting. So let em’. Have the whole party scene dark. Lemme tell ya a quick story. Had this sophomore phenom couple years ago, couldn’t hit a free throw to save his life. Said he got too nervous all alone at the free throw line with the crowd buzzin around him. Know how I fixed it? I didn’t. I cut his ass. Took his scholarship and called him names on the way out the door. Do I regret it? Nope. Because he didn’t do the easiest thing in basketball which is hit a f*cking free throw. Having a dimly lit party scene is the EASIEST thing you can do for your Halloween party. So, if you don’t do it…I’ll take your scholarship and call you everything but a white girl on your way out the door.
5) Skip the Halloween music. Play the jams women wanna get on the dance floor and shake what their momma gave em.
6) Award prizes. Best dressed. Worst dressed. Sluttiest. Whatever…just make it quick and keep those lights dim. When a chick wins anything, their hot friends get jealous…which means they’ll come next year and your bash will grow. With even hotter chicks dressed even sluttier.
7) Have plenty of places to hook up. Bedrooms, closets, bathrooms, garages…you didn’t do all this work NOT to lure your She-Devil into your play area, didya boys? No? Then have plenty readily available for when she’s ready to show her extra wild side.
Ahhhh…Halloween…the greatest holiday. Do well, fellas.
Now get on the line.
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